Verizon Sucks

I need a new cell phone. An explanation of what happened to my old phone will not be forthcoming because rehashing it could jeopardize my marriage. I left Husbear at home with Cubby while Kangaroo and I went out to price phones. First stop was Verizon, where we have our current plans. They were packed, and after 20 or so minutes of feeling like I don’t exist, I left. After trying a few more places, I returned and was now the only customer there.

PG (Phone girl): May I help you?
Me: I need to buy a new phone, but we have your minimum plan and we only use about a fifth of the minutes. I wanted to look at your prepaid plans. We don’t want to sign a contract.
PG: (Long explanation of the fact that the cheapest prepaid plan would cost EXACTLY what we are paying now).
Me: Well, that’s kinda pointless. How much would it be for me to buy a replacement phone for the one that was destroyed?
PG: That would depend.
Me: On what?
PG: On how much time is left on your contract.
Me: We’re out of contract and I don’t want to sign another. How much are the phones without a contract?
PG: I’ll have to get the manager.
(She and the manager take another 10 minutes to look up my account on the computer).
Manager: (Shaking his head like a doctor over a dying patient) I’m sorry. I can’t give you a free phone.
Me: I never asked for a free phone. I asked how much to BUY a phone.
Manager: That depends.
Me: On what?
Manager: On how much time is left on your contract.
Me: As I’m sure you can see on your computer, we are out of contract. I do not want to sign another. How do I find out the price of a phone WITHOUT a contract?
Manager: (Sighs, and points to Phone Girl) Ask her.
Me: (to Phone Girl) What’s your cheapest phone?
PG: It’s over here. It’s $29.99.
Me: Without a contract?
PG: With a two-year contract.
Me: I’m not signing a contract. How much is it WITHOUT a contract?
PG: Well, probably like 50 bucks or something with a 1-year contract.
Me: I think I hate you.
PG: Um…what?
Me: Sorry. Just checking to see if you were listening. I’ve said several times that I will NOT be signing a contract. What will the phone cost with NO CONTRACT SIGNING OF ANY KIND?
PG: $169.99
Me: Ok. I think I’ll look elsewhere. I’m not sure it’s worth it.
PG: Have you thought about our prepaid plans?
Me: Where have I just been? Didn’t we discuss this?
PG: Um…what?
Me: I have to leave now. Before Rod Serling shows up.
PG: Um…what?

As I leave, I discover that the thing on my keys that unlocks my car is broken. I’d call my husband, but I don’t have a phone.